you try to make things perfect and ignoramuses just keep messing it up in your name. *sigh*

i couldn't sleep.
i caught the tailend of a progam about extraterrestials and dolphins, and stayed on it to find out what the next one was about. but it turned out not even mildly interesting.
i fluttered between blind date and hbo, which was between programs. went back to etc, but settled on cinemax.
it was a waste of time, that. about a beauty queen who framed her overbearing mother for murdering her rival - surprise, surprise - career-wise and in love. formula, how sappy could i get? such a sucker i am, porque whodunnit, tsk. and then for good measure, they tell me in the end that it was based on a true story. that supposed to make me feel better?
it was so bad i had to go look for something i could better appreciate.
etc again, but i couldn't take blind date and its kababawan.
mothman phrophecies daw sa hbo. i like laura linney (did you catch her on love actually?); richard gere's okay but only because he's nice to look at. i've seen mothman once before and wasn't too impressed. i gave it another go and had a better grasp on the idea for it. left me impressed enough to vow to look up some of the concepts in it. not too sure how i'd start googling it, though.
im still awake, but only because my roomie's alarm bells have begun to toll. tres. tres relojes, set a few minutes apart. great. and she's still not awake!
haha, nagsalita. i sleep like im dead myself. only a few things really wake me up. shocking news, gari, or food. my 6210 actually rings a nasty one, but (there goes another alarm) sadly it hasn't done such a good job in getting me to work on time. sinisi ba? okay, not today. i have that murderous beauty for an excuse.

most of the time i begin my day with a fresh perspective; a balanced, fair view; excitement, expectation.
most of the time i end it with all that intact, with pabaon to spare for the morrow.
but there are times when you just feel so let down. situations you can improve, but where people are involved is always a challenge. because you can't change 'em. you can't make them budge from their strongly held beliefs, even if you're pretty sure those're bollocks. its doubly hard to stay positive when they seem to be bent on negating you - your confidence, your skills, your opinion. your rights.

somewhere there they lose my respect and trust in them. what aches is that i feel like im the only one who gives a damn.

Diplomacy is the art of knowing what not to say, says Matthew Trump. Funny, i thought I had it perfect. Until today.

it's a trip of sorts, deleting my 6210 inbox to make way for new messages. it's like reviewing the past week (or month, depending on how i managed spending my hard-earned bucks on sms and calls).

it was indeed hard-earned this week. i tried being pretty cool last sunday. i knew i hadn't taken last week's dayoff resting as i should have, so i was to blame for being listless, lethargic, and scatterbrained.

my life rolled into the week - pensively, because i had to adjust to some (read: a lot) things at work. i did germany pages for 4 days, so it was exciting, exciting like going through the space shuttle ride at ek for the first time. scared, full of doubt, thrilled of the plunge and the rush, and then fullfilled, proud.
and then there were new people to deal with, to know, to guide, to teach.
there were also friends who had gone on, a change i made it my business to deal with too.

but wednesday was heaven, a synchronous moment. a/c breaks down and who comes to visit with mais con hielo, buko-pandan shake, and loads of moral support in tow? gari ü
i even got home before midnight. imagine that, what a treat!

ive forgotten all that by thursday, though, mostly beause it was my booboo day. and friday was too hectic that i had 12 unread messages on my phone by the time i had the luxury to check it.
and about those new guys? i've taken to mild-scolding one. don't worry, i don't think he got that either. *sigh*

im not the 'texter' kind. but certain things this week made me want to reach out to my abandonee-friends. to touch base and reassurance maybe, to feel sane to be sure.

pia had asked me through text what exactly did i get myself promoted to. i don't know.

judging from this week? to more headache, heartache, worry, frightening responsibilities, disappointment.

it's funny though, because saturday made everything, including myself, seem like they'd turn out better because of it.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. ~ George Bernard Shaw

i heard 2 of my sisters cry today. both were talking about my families. one over the phone, the other i watched some 5 feet away from me.

the one on the phone
talked about disappointment.
how she couldn't stand it, how hard it is to be in it, live her life, and stay sane all at the same time. she is unhappy - left me grasping for words when i realised so.
i knew words were out of place for such a moment anyway.
especially because i was on to what she wanted to really say.
and because i realised what it would mean for my family, our family, if they discovered what was in her heart.

the one in front of me
professed her love for us, her family.
the challenges, reasons that has driven her to achieve more than what she has happily set out to. how we figured in that, how we made it worthwhile, how we made the experience fun.
and how she learned from us as much as how we did from her, how blessed we all were to have been part of each other.

both broke my heart, because both are leaving. one to rid herself of discontent, the other full and wanting change, new challenges, growth, more.

it has put me in a contemplative, almost-melancholic mood. probably because i worry about their worries, i share their fears, i feel the covert excitement that they feel, i'm anticipating what they will go through in the next couple of days, weeks, months, years. as if i was them.

i love both dearly, probably more than they'd ever know.

The Shipping News (A. Proulx) 1994

perfect book for my current state of mind, affairs, being.

about what being dead means; unconditional love versus obssession; how kids could be; the mystery of history and the excitement and then dread of finally learning one's roots;
how life could still be funny in spite of it being interspersed with infinitesimal (or devasting - depending on who's point of view or at which point of your existence) tragedies;
what it feels like to laugh out loud at a joke so corny you wonder a second later why it prompted you to do so;
about dark secrets and the past - and the difference between accepting them and letting them affect your relationships, thoughts, attitude. of choosing who you want them to be privvy to;
boats, ships and other vessels, fish, fishing, fishermen, life on the coasts of Newfoundland, newswriting, running a paper;
reading about other people's opinion of Canada;
starting over, taking on new responsibilities, and the dawning amazement that you are still learning new things despite a "here we go again" feeling.

not necessarily in that order, but as close as i dare to hope. highly recommended. it being a pullitzer winner should help convince that it will not disappoint, at the least.

"A woman in northeast China's Liaoning Province was killed by her pet cat after she locked it in the kitchen to block out its noise, Shenyan police said on Tuesday."

I still miss my cat though. Hehe.

back in manila since yesterday. i turn 28 tonight! :o) yay

we got here around 6pm last night. We had dinner by 7pm and were back in my room at 17 - they asigned me my own. It was so big the entire newslink family would have fitted in.
Kuya mel and ate watched with me until they retired downstairs around 9pm.
I watched John Q (again) and the governor on Collateral Damage. Tried sleeping but couldn't. My ulcer was acting up and it was too dark. There were sounds that urged my imagination into running wild. But sleep was blissful when it came.

We had langgonisa this morning. nothing special. Over breakfast, i learned that the more distinguished among our group had snubbed the beachcomber inn accomodation and checked in at dusit instead. Some people are just so loaded!

at kalibo airport. Amazingly, we got denied seats. (our?) plane got hit by lightning (daw). pal changed it to a 737 - axeing at least 36 (confirmed) passengers off the 445pm flight. The downside? The next flight out leaves at 1115am tomorrow pa. Actually, they asked for volunteers from those who got seats na - Offering free overnight accomodations and a round-trip ticket to here. There were some takers - but not enough to accomodate everyone on the waiting list. At least we had good salpicao from Mingoy's for lunch before catching the bad news.

There goes my date tonight and work tomorrow. One thing good about this is i know ill be back in aklan (boracay? Ü) before feb 21, 2005.

we had buffet dinner at sea wind. Fresh oysters, beef tenderloin, grilled sugpo, pasta on mushroom and basil. Yum.

took a bath and watched crime night after talking with my labs.

Breakfast this morning was less interesting. We walked a-ways off and took more pics. Weather was so sombre however, up til this moment, as we board the bus w other folk - all sorry to leave something beautiful behind.

all alone outside the room - a balcony softly iluminated by 2 globular capiz lighting from the ceiling and a floor lamp of the same material at one corner.

After bfast was a beach-bum affair. We soaked up the sun by the edge of the water. The tide at its lowest. The water was quite full, the beach rather empty. by 11am, we somewhat abandoned the piercing glare of the sun by shifting to blue rubber matresses set on bamboo frames - shaded by a canopy of crisscrossed bamboo of the more slender type. two hours, a glass of iced tea and the "stairs of cirith ungol" chapter later, we went to check out the pool. I did a few laps. We watched new guests arrive and wondered if they were potential rivals to our favored hammock hangout of the other night.

We wandered towards D Mall after delicious tinolang manok and fiery-hot bicol express at the Red Coconut (a favoured resort by koreans, i thought). bought souvenirs and pasalobong being the tourist - and pinay - that i am. I got gari something extra. We lay by the water like beached whales yet again (it was then crawling w weekend visitors), faintly catching the sun's last rays before it bid us goodnight.

Back here at the balcony, i sit by the light with samwise (frodo has met shelob), a cup of nescafe, and a pack of cancer while i await the lovebirds - my roommates - round off their (second) massage (of the week) at the beachfront.

Beach. Beach. Beach.
Im getting a tan! On a friday! Haha
it's nearly-pristine in this part of the world. Only marred by the sailboats, the occasional ferry boat or yacht, and cooler-toting peddlers and such.
otherwise clean, white sand. No wonder foreigners like it here. I do to.

Breakfast on day two. Its not hard to fall in love with the island.

We were up by 7am. What a fitful sleep i had! I hadn't had one in ages. Although i still surfed the cable channels last night (ended up watching powerzone), i was wasted by around 12mn.

complimentary bfast was good. Nipis was exceptionally so. one member of our table-mates (a bunch of down-to-earth high-brows in their 50s) had asked an attendant what they were called - she thought she heard "ipis." how we all laughed.

back at sea wind. Photo op galore. Their "frontyard" is so cool. there are lights that throw a soft glow to the place. with love songs piped through cleverly-disguised outdoor speakers, a read a little bit more of tolkien on a rattan couch under a spolight, while kuya mel swings, idle, tucked on a hammock strung between 2 coconut palms nearby. What a day.

penne arabiatta at pomodoro, near sea wind. how i wish gari was here, he would have loved the peperroni pizza. I didn't even need to ask for tabasco. Lots of laughter.

got a full-body massage by the beachfront (250 lang!) and it was the best feeling in the world. Reggae, the aklano chatter of our courteous, skillful, and friendly masseus, idle talk about the island and politics, and the sound of lapping water in the background. the permeating scent of coconut oil on my body. Oh, the things i do with my money!

went back to the hotel to change into beach clothes - at last! lay by the beach in all my flabby glory. at just the perfect spot to read a few tolkien lines and watch the famous boracay sun set. more amazing pics from moi. probly figured in others' too, i soon found out.